


Saturn

by B_atiful



Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: Saturn - Freeform, Song fic, sleeping at last
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-20 05:29:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14254029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/B_atiful/pseuds/B_atiful
Summary: you taught me the courage of stars before you leftHow light carries on endlessly, even after death





	Saturn

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: DEPICTIONS OF SUICIDE IF THAT DOESNT SIT WELL WITH YOU OR YOUR OWN MENTAL STATE PLEASE PLEASE DONT READ  
> I'm here to entertain and make people cry(in a healthy purely angsty way) not to set anyone into an attack or make anyone do anything serious  
> If you feel suicidal please talk to people you know about it, or if you feel too nervous to do that I suggest the suicide hotline, they're there to talk 24/7 so don't feel nervous to call.

> _"you taught me the courage of stars before you left"_

"You know what's really beautiful?" His sisters words inturrpted Connors thoughts.

The pair sat ontop of their family houses roof, their parents were out, so seeing as they had the house to themselves they thought stargazing would be pretty fun. Connor had suggested stealing some beer from the fridge but Zoe had shot him down. 

"What?" Connor asked, turning his head slightly to glance at his little sister.

"You know how like, it takes 8 minutes for the suns light to reach us? And how like, some stars it would take years?" She didn't glance back, instead keeping her eyes trained upwards.

"Yeah what about it?"

> _"how light carries on endlessly, even after death"_

"Its just, when a star dies, it would take maybe years for the light to dissapear, how the light can carry on infinitely in the farthest parts of the universe, maybe hundreds of years, or more after a star flickers out." 

Connor thought about her revelation for a moment before responding. "So what?" He questioned, not really getting how that was cool.

"Its just, it really resonates with like,, people. You know what I mean? Like, sometimes, someone's impact can stretch long after there death, like Shakespeare. The way even after passing people will still see that persons light. I hope someday, my light will still be out there after I'm gone."

 

 

that was 2 years ago. Connor was 15 and Zoe was 14. The memory seemed to hit Connor abruptly. He glanced around his dark room, his eyes landing on his open window, the stars shining brightly outside. Connor couldn't help but think about his light, now more than ever. How long would his light last after this, at least as long as his family would live on, he wondered if the kids he met in school would remember his light. Or would they forget him by graduation.

 

 

"You know, on the subject of the infinity of the universe. Theirs something I've been thinking about for a while now." She finally turned her head to look over to him

"Spill" 

> _"with shortness of breath, you explained the infinite_
> 
> _How rare and beautiful it truly is, to exist"_

"Its just, the universe is so massive, so endless, so infinite, and  In the massive infinity we are the ones who exist." She pausef "We of all things, we of all people are here now. In ratio to the size of the universe, the fact we are even here is just so- its amazing! Its so rare, its- its so beautiful to- to even exist." She was beginning to choke on her own words, a smile wide on her face, mid sentence she had turned her face back towards to sky. 

 

 

She was right, the fact he was even a person was a miracle. It gave him some hope, feeling like somehow the universe was made for people like him to exist, to be seen by his eyes. But while that thought reassured him, it wasnt enough. It had been years sense he had heard her say that, the words seemed faint and distant as if she had never said them at all. He thought maybe if he could hear her say it again, hear the words a final time. But he wouldn't be able to hear them.

> _"I'd give anything to hear you say it one more time,_
> 
> _That the universe was made just to be seen by my eyes"_

His and zoes relationship had gotten worse sense that day, so much worse. It wasn't great then, but at least back then they talked. Connor doesn't even know how their relationship had gotten so bad, how it had progressed this far, that even hearing the other cough from their room could snap them into a momentary rage. 

He glanced to his bedside table, on it were only a few items. A small crinkled sheet of printed paper, various small items like pens or cups he had yet to take out of his room, and a bottle of sleeping pills.

He stood up from where he sat on the bed, he glanced from his table to his door, he knew that maybe if he could march over to zoes room and ask her to repeat what she had said before, maybe he could make it through, maybe he could live another day. He walked slowly towards his door, thinking of what was just outside. The possibility of a happier life, the possibility of making it past the last year of high school, going to college and making real friends there, finding a wife or a husband to grow old with. Stepping out this door meant maybe the possibility of a happy life.

He knew he was getting his hopes up. He was losing himself in a fantasy world. he would go out there, barge into zoes room and demand she tell him of the stars and her philosophies, she would scream at him to leave her be, and he would have to come back here humiliated. And even if she did tell him, it wouldn't do anything, if wouldnt snap his broken mind back into place, a few words.and a cheap philosophy couldn't fix him.

Still, he wishes he could hear Zoe one more time, not yelling at him, he wished he could have a conversation with her, maybe he would be able to talk out what was wrong, at the very least he would be able to leave with one last happy memory. But that wouldn't happen.

He flicked his eyes from the door back to his table. He knew this was all he could do, all that would be able to fix him, all he would be able to do to end the pain.

He moved back to his bed and sat down, carefully picking the paper up, he read it through once, then twice, then a third time. He hated to admit how well it summed him up, how well it fit. He couldn't come up with a better way to phrase his life than this boy had. The only complaint was the name at the top, but he had no way of erasing that now. He carefully slid the note into his pocket before reaching back to his table.

He eyed the bottle for a many minutes, maybe hours, he was so scared, though he hated to admit it. He knew this is what he had to do, this is what he needed, its what he deserved. He carefully and slowly took off the child protected lid, looking inside to see the pile of white capsules. 

In one swift movement he moved his hand to his head, titled his skull back so the pills could slip easier down his throat, swallowing the full bottle. It was so easy. It was so so easy.

In almost no time he could feel the drowsyness sinking in, he carefully shed himself of his boots, and of his hoodie, lying in only a T-shirt and jeans. He carefully layed himself down, letting his head hit the pillow softly.

He didn't know when he had started crying, but even as he drifted to sleep he couldn't stop. In his mind flashed images of his family, his mother and her bright red hair, the way she still babied him to this day, the affection she somehow still carried for him. his father and his stern face, the way hw tried so hard to make connor normal again, how he had bought him a baseball glove, knowing how connor used to love to watch baseball with him, he had lost the interest. He had seemed to lose interest in everything bu the end. and lastly his sister. Instead of her face he saw words, and he began to speak them allowed.

> _"with shortness of breath"_

his voice quivered at he spoke his last words

> _"I'll explain the infinite"_

The words left him easily, they didn't feel like his own, repeating softly the words his sister had spoken so long ago.

> _"how rare and beautiful it truly is, to exist"_

With his last breath he finished the philosophy. He felt his light dimming rapidly, his breath leaving him, he almost wishes he hadn't done it, but he felt too tired to fight, too tired to call out to his parents. He felt a deep soul wrenching sadness, a strong guilt knowing how he would break his family's hearts. But most of all he felt content. 

He let his weeping eyes slowly drift shut, drifting him into a dreamless sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't proof read this  
> Still hope you cried.


End file.
